Wish I was happy about the holiday

But honestly I'm too bad of a mood. I invited the boy over for dinner last night and he didn't show up until nearly 8:30. Apparently he had gotten a call from a lady at the company he was hoping to work for and it didn't go well. The whole call was weird. Usually you don't talk salary on the first call. Usually you don't do an interview on the first call. But she called him while he was at happy hour and it happened. Well, I see now he was pretty distraught about it. Me, I guess I'm not just like that. I'm resilient. If something gets in the way of what I want I'm immediately planning an alternate strategy. Plus the whole description of the phone call was very "this is so fucking unprofessional it cannot even be serious". So now he thinks his shot at that company is completely done. I guess I just didn't see it that way. So when he showed up late, drunk, and more eager to talk over me to my brother and roommate than to talk to me I got a little ticked. Which culminated in about the biggest fight I've ever had with another person. I'm non-confrontational. I go with the flow. I ebb, bob, and flex to meet the situation. I'm not used to this shit. I'm embarrassed – I'm pretty sure it made the boys pretty uncomfortable and half the neighborhood when I made him go outside to smoke. I'm not good at reading people. I can't tell what people are feeling, hell, half the time I don't even know what I'm feeling. That's just the way I'm built I guess. The only emotion I'm adept at displaying is annoyance. Go with the flow people are rarely passionate people.

My coworker is listening to Christmas music in the next cube. Celine Dion can suck it.

See, there it is – annoyance!

Anyway, he was pretty much just drunk mad about the phone call and was taking it out on me, but some things popped up that I wasn't happy about. Mainly, my shortcomings. Including the fact that I feel fat, unattractive, insecure, and not the least bit sexy. I'm not just saying that so someone will counter me, that's just how I've been feeling lately. I've gained 50 pounds since college and my face is breaking out even though I'm in my 30's. If you spent 9 hours a day in your favorite pants that are really too tight, you'd be cranky too.

Anyway, he calmed down and I thought we made up but then after going to bed he flared up again and insisted on driving home. I protested as much as possible (because I do care, as much as he thinks to the contrary) but at the end of the day you can only do so much, and he ended up driving home. I sent a text asking him to make sure he let me know he got home ok and he did.

The funny thing is, before he left he proclaimed "as far as I'm concerned, we're done". Then he came over and kissed me on the forehead before he left. I'm not sure what that means. Right now I'm waiting for an apology, quite frankly. I know I have my issues but he did take his anger over the phone call out on me, and I don't really think I deserved that. I don't know where we're going to go from here though. Thankfully I already decided to take a half day today so I get to leave here soon. And try to make it up to the roomies for that embarrassing display. Oh, that's another thing, I do NOT do well with embarrassment. We'll see how this goes.